The end of a dream that is. I don't know if it is really the end or whether it is just a temporary break from it. It is beyond painful to even put this in writing because it makes it all the more real. It is not that I didn't see it coming because I did. I just saw it faintly from a distance for so long but even a freight train looks small if you are far enough away from it. I don't know that I can even acturately describe the situation because it is years and years of choices and differences that have led me to this moment. So I will not start at the begining. But I will give a little background. My husband and I come from completely different backgrounds. On almost every single level. When you are young and in love all of those differences seem to just fade to the background. But when you attempt to live your lives together for the rest of your lives it has a way of bringing every last difference to the surface.
I know my husband in his heart would love to provide me with my every hearts desire but life has a way of making dreams some how seemingly unattainable. My dream? Owning a horse. A thoroughbred in particular. A jumper to be exact. I dreamed. Literally had dreams. Dreams that when I woke up and realized it wasn't reality a dissappointment set in. Every horse person knows that passion that is untamable. Every horse person gets it but every non horse person doesn't. That is where my problem lies. My husband is not a horse person. Not only is he not a horse person he actually doesn't even like any animals. I know many people can relate to their spouse not being a horse person but usually that spouse at least enjoys the animal. Not mine. I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever seen my husband ever reach out a hand to EVER pet one of my animals in the 12 years we have known each other and out of those 12 years I have always had animals.
So I cannot blame him for his distain and resentment toward all of my animals and their expenses. The #1 reason is I do not have a job and provide 0 income to our home so he is solely responsible for all financial responsiblity concerning my animals. So I consider it very kind of him to even had put up with it for as long as he has. Well today the frieght train finally made it here and it hit me at 100 mph. The dream is over. Enough is enough. The peace that I have lost in my home over these years over these dreams of mine are now more then my heart can bear. It is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but I have concluded that it is at this point my only option.
Steady will officially be on the market as of tomorrow along with Moonlight. I have not decided yet where we go from here. I mean the ONLY reason we moved to the country is to work toward having horses and now that it is not a possiblity I see no reason to torcher myself by having the barn and pasture to look at everyday of my life standing empty right along with my heart. I think that might be more than I can handle. So with tears streaming down my face I am putting it out there and please please please pray my heart can heal from all of this because right now I cannot see how that will happen.
Not your average OTTB given another chance at a new life and a mostly average busy Mom who never gave up on her dream to ride again. An unlikely pair at an unlikely time, learning to event and loving life!
Oh no! Sounds like some more thinking/feeling may be in order - not that I'm in any position to say. My husband is also non-horsey, but has always been supportive of my horse habit. Sending good thoughts and wishes.
ReplyDeleteYou say you have no income and provide nothing to the household. You think this means you have no say? Bull! You are raising his kids. You are cleaning his house. You are cooking his food. You are providing him with companionship. He doesn't want to pay for your animals? Fine, he can pay you the salary you are owed as a housekeeper, cook, nanny and teacher. I guarantee you those salaries are more than what he shells out for the animals.
ReplyDeleteI read your other blog, I see what you do for your family. He should be thankful to have you. You do a wonderful job for your family and you deserve to have something just for yourself. Do not settle just because you think you don't contribute. You are not undeserving of your dream!
My husband does not like animals either. He would much rather we did not have them. He does not understand why I like them. But, he loves me and he understands that I need them to be happy. He has seen me get seriously injured by them, he has nursed me through those injuries. He has spent a lot of his own money on them. He has spent his time building things for them. He doesn't do these things because he likes them or wants them, he does them because he wants me. You deserve the same!
I agree with Shannon!! I don't think you should have to give them up! I attribute my sense of responsibility, my work ethic, my compassion from the fact that I grew up with horses!! Don't take that away from your daughter. Don't take Moonlight from her. And you shouldn't take Steady away from yourself. You deserve him! You need him if you are anything like me and the millions of other horse lovers. The two years I was without a horse were the most miserable of my life. I was completely depressed and unmotivated to do anything to improve my life or well being. Please don't make a rash decision. I know I have no right to say half of these things because I don't know you or your family, but it breaks my heart that someone who loves you would ask you to sell your heart!
ReplyDeleteThere has to be a compromise somehow, somewhere in all of this. I don't know anything about your situation, but I do know that horses are part of who you are. Why would your husband want you to be any less than all that you are?
ReplyDelete"...but I have concluded that it is at this point my only option." Why? What would happen if you kept Steady? Have you been given an ultimatum?
Sorry about the questions, but this seems just so extreme. I am sorry for your pain; it's clear how deeply you care about your dream.
I understand being really, really upset, but please take a moment (or a couple days, or a week) and think this through. I know it doesn't look like it on your financial statement, but what you do is important. VERY important. Don't underestimate yourself.
ReplyDeleteI am not privy to your personal life and your relationship with your husband, but take a time out and think things over. Maybe instead of give up Steady you should consider scaling back horse expenses if money is tight to make room for your husband to have a hobby.
This is tough situation. :'( Wishing all the best for you guys.
I can honestly say that is the saddest post I've ever read. I agree with Shannon completely. Could you try counseling with your husband before selling the horses? It doesn't sound like selling them will be a solution to peace in the home, because you won't really be there anymore.
ReplyDeleteHere is a post by Dressage Mom's husband, who also isn't a horse person, but finally realized what they meant to / did for his wife:
http://dressagemom.blogspot.com/2010/12/horse-husbands-heres-some-food-for.html
I could write so much as to why I think giving up the horses won't make things better, but I think you already know that and don't see a way out. I sure hope a solution can be found that works for both you and your husband.
Your post just breaks my heart. I agree with those that maybe there is a compromise? Counseling? All I can really offer is hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh Amy! This is heartbreaking, don't do it. Unless you can't feed your family and it is the horses or your home, but really, giving them up is not the answer simply because your husband isn't an animal person, he needs to see this is what you love.
ReplyDeletePlease email me if you want to ever talk.
Please take more time to think about this. (Lots of deep breathing.) It's a huge life changing decision for you and your family, and deserves a lot of thought.
ReplyDeleteIs it not possible that you could work out a compromise? I hope form the bottom of my heart that you and your husband can work this out equitably.
I know from the sounds of this that it was a rash decision but it is just the first time I have talked about it. For the simple fact that I wouldn't say anything unless I was sure it was my only option. I have thought about this for months. I have stuggled with the idea over and over again. The hardest part is that my husband doesn't want me to give up the horses. Though he does want me to find part time work to help pay for them. Which I have been trying to find but the hours I am available seem to be hard to find a flexible enough position. It actually upsets him when I bring up the idea. BUT he is also so stressed about money that we argue on a daily basis. That is why I feel it is the only way that I can help alliviate financial stress. I may not bring in an income but all I do as far as gardening, canning, budgeting, cooking almost everything from scratch save an incredible amount of money. But he doesn't see it as the same as bringing in money. It is tough and after I wrote this last night I went to him and told him that it is what I wanted to do. He got extremely angry over the situation. So you are all probably right in that giving up the horses is probably not going to fix this problem and I think he must know that too or he would not be opposed to me selling them. All of you are so kind and I hope you all bear with me while we try to sort all of this out.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that he feels that way (about not wanting you to give them up). I totally understand financial stress because my husband injured his back in September and hasn't been back to work yet. It's really tough. I hope you can find a solution that works for everyone. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteStressful times can be very hard on everyone - hope you can work out something. Sending good thoughts and wishes to all of you.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to hear you husband doesn't want you to do it. I understand how it feels to be in that situation. Being a stay at home mom is tough when you have an expensive hobby, there's a lot of self inflicted guilt but I know it's a positive experience for the kids so that helps to ease it a little for me, and I am able to work off some of my board at least.
ReplyDeleteAt one point I told several people Cassy was for sale before AJ took a turn for the worse, so I know you aren't making a rash decision if you have put it in writing.
I hope things can change somehow for you. Hugs to you!
It's a relief to hear that your husband doesn't want you to have to give up the horses. It seems to me that Steady is your dream horse, so I wonder if a compromise might be to keep just him.
ReplyDeleteI understand completely how money problems can push us to irrationality, especially when cars break down, etc. It does get better, because it has to.
You seem like such a creative person, so talented. Maybe there's something you could make and sell on Etsy? I know eBay has helped me hang on with my horses more than once, like it is right now.
Like everyone else, I am hoping for the best for you and yours.