Yesterday was a good day. My husband and I actually got along. A little bit of that weight on my heart was lifted so that I could actually be a little happy. I am not stupid enough to think our troubles are over but I thought maybe, just maybe I could go into this weekend with a little bit of hope that my life is not about to come unraveled. Well I think my husband saw that as a moment of opprotunity to squash any hope and send me back to that heavy and sad place I have been in since this all started. I am so sorry for all of you that would rather me not bring up this crap on my 'horse' blog but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place I am using for that. I will not go into details but contrary to what I had hoped, that he was angry and after some time would start to come around and we would be able to come to a comprimise and both be happy. He is still loud and clear and unreasonable about his demands and comprimise is not in the picture for him. The heavy weight and sadness is back and that was probably his goal since he knows I am about to go off and do something that makes me very happy and I am not allowed to be happy when he is so miserable. Now this my friends is NOT how love is described or protrayed in any of those fairy tales. It was not in the vows that I said at my wedding. I hate that this is how it really is.
He wants to be needed. He wants to be the only love in my life. He wants to be my whole life. And horses do NOT fit into that equation for him. That is my take from all of this but the way he is going about all of it has been so mean and hurtful that we have become enemies. I am doing everything I can to be nice and agreeable but to no avail.
My day was planned I was going to get packed for the show, squeeze in a ride, bathe Steady, get the house cleaned up and leave for the show. I have been looking forward to it, I have been excited about it and now I just want to curl up and stay in bed all day. I want to cry until I can't cry anymore. I want my life to be different, I want my reality to just be a bad dream. He has succeeded in bringing me down to this pit of misery he lives in and turning my love of life into stress and hurt. I think he is probably quite pleased by this too. I think that is actually his goal in all of this, if he can't be happy then neither can I.
Not your average OTTB given another chance at a new life and a mostly average busy Mom who never gave up on her dream to ride again. An unlikely pair at an unlikely time, learning to event and loving life!
I'm really sorry that he managed to ruin your exciting weekend before it even started. I haven't much good advice, but having been in a similar spot, know how hard it can be to turn-off the crummy and focus on your weekend. But I think if you try really, really hard, you can make this weekend just about you and Steady and riding. And then keep thinking back to that time when your Mr. is making you blue. Turn his negative talk off and focus on the good things in life. I'll keep my fingers crossed for a fun weekend for you; you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteyou are in my thoughts dear girl.
ReplyDeleteVent away - it's what blogs are for! :-)
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why some men think that horses, or dogs, or any other really important interest that a woman has is somehow a rival to their relationship. But I have dealt with enough of them myself. It's his problem, not yours, that he needs 100% of your time.
Go and enjoy your weekend and your horse.
Your husband makes me grumpy. Does he REALLY think that making you give up your horses will make all his dreams come true? That you won't resent him for forcing you to choose? That it won't ruin your relationship and your family? Gah. I don't understand him at all.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are going through all this.
Hey Amy - Don't worry what others think about using your blog to get your feelings out...better than keeping your emotions bottled up.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Barbara that this is your husband's problem. I went thru some counseling when we were divorced, and was told the same thing - people make their own choices, we don't cause them.
We won't get to HHP till late this evening, but will be there ALL DAY tomorrow (Lex shows about 9 am and I show at 4:40)
Safe travel today & kick some ass tomorrow!
Just a quick bit of advice (can't help myself, I am a social worker after all); as women we tend to try so hard to figure out what it is that the other person is trying to say, what needs they have, what feelings they are trying to explain. Sure; you should listen and try to understand, but your main focus in times like these (by that I mean counseling) is to find out what you need. The counselors job is to make sure you both have equal time to speak, so think more about what you need and less about what he wants. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteCounseling, is really just a negotiation, so be ready to negotiate. Figure out what you are willing to change, what you are not, and then hear what he has to say. Write things down, and be ready. To make things work you are both going to have to give a bit, but you and you alone are in charge of what you will give on.
This weekend is a respite. So go ride, kick some ass!
Your going to do great this weekend you guys have worked so hard. Dont let this get you down i agree with what Emme is saying focus on you what DO YOU want, what are YOU willing to give up. My personal opinion and please take this with a grain of salt.... you LOVE horses your living your dreams and doing what you have always wanted to do; are you ready to give that up for someone who claims to love you but is forcing you to make a decision that is going to make you miserable for the rest of your life... like you said whats going on here is not love its selfishness.
ReplyDeleteThe best part about having a blog is having a space to vent and you have a big horsey blog family and we definatly dont mind you using your blog to vent about non-horsey issues.
Good luck at your show, God only gives us as much as we can handle so even though this seems like it is to much right now keep in mind this is just a step on your journey something that you will overcome and what ever happens.
1000000 hugs. And, kick some booty this weekend!
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad for venting on your blog. I'm the same way so I understand why you do, but I personally have no problem with it. I believe we should be able to express ourselves and it is very helpful to write it all down.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your husband is being so..... I don't even know. Wow. I hope you were able to enjoy the show!