Normally there would be an exclamation point after that title but though I am looking forward to the show this weekend it is with a lost, confused and heavy heart. Everything as far as horses health is all good so no worries there. This place I am in is because of my personal life that seems to be in the shitter as of this moment. Without too many gorey details I will just say that my husband has given me the ultimatum of him or the horses. He has laid out plain and clear that he does not just dislike horses but he absolutely hates them and resents me and the horses for the all the time and money they take. I can't even begin to express what is going on inside me right now and my life is at best up in the air at the moment. He says they HAVE to go. All plans will go ahead as far as what I have planned for the April and May for me and Steady. No drastic changes are going to happen until the kids finish the school year. We are starting counseling and there I guess we will sort out all the details. I cannot say much more nor do I know how it will all turn out. I just needed a place to let this out because there is no one that I talk to on a regular basis that would even begin to understand what kind of decision he is asking me to make. I had a friend last night say that I should just get rid of the horses if that is what he wants. I am sorry but if you can say that with no emotion you can't even begin to understand what it actually means. I am sorry to emote on you all but in other shitty news....
to add to the CRAP news and mood of this post I just found out Peter Atkins has had to withdraw from Badminton due to a broken ankle. Ugh, that is shit. So sorry Peter and well wishes sent your way.
We will leave for the show on Friday afternoon with the show being on Saturday. Then if the weather permits I will XC school afterward with a friend or two. We are doing a BN CT and my daughter is volunteering at her first event and is SO excited. The winds here have been outrageous so I will not be riding today. We will see if the weather is nice enough to let us get a couple rides in this week to prepare. I haven't spent nearly as much time as I would like going through my dressage test so let's hope I can do better than the last time I did this test and went off course but then again if I came home with a 31 again off course or not I would be exstatic but for the first show of the year my goals are stay safe, have fun and finish.
Not your average OTTB given another chance at a new life and a mostly average busy Mom who never gave up on her dream to ride again. An unlikely pair at an unlikely time, learning to event and loving life!
Oh Amy I am so sorry to hear this. If you need to talk or vent please do call, email message, whatever you need. I really wish I could come to the show but I'll be moving. I know you and Steady will kick butt! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I am married to a non-horsey husband as well...but when he gets pissy I remind him I had horses before him and made it clear before the wedding how things would go if he ever made an ultimatum and he backs off :)
ReplyDeleteBut I do empathize very much. Thinking of you.
So sorry to hear about the husband problems. Maybe he is just venting and will calm down when you go to counseling. Taking the horses away from you AND the kids is just absurd.
ReplyDeleteMy friends who have given in to demands like that have found out that it is just the first in a long list of unreasonable demands - because it is really about something else. I hope you guys are able to work things out and come up with a solution to keep everyone happy.
My heart just dropped reading your post. Please know most all of us in the horse world would not suggest to just get rid of the horses - I agree with Barbara that there is something else underlying your husband's demand.
ReplyDeleteWe will be at the show on Friday / Saturday, and I know there will not be time to talk. But even though we only know each other thru blogs, I would be happy to talk with you. I have not shared much about my life on my blog, but my husband and I were married for 17 yrs when we divorced for 2 yrs...and then remarried (will celebrate 6 yr anniversary this July!). So I know how I felt when my life turned upside down and maybe could be of some help, if only some additional person to talk to.
This post makes me very sad, that is very unfair for a man who loves you to force you and your children to give something up that is so important to you guys. I wouldnt give up your's or your kids dreams so easily. i agree with the others there has to be more to it than that.. but as with my ex husband and my boyfriend my animals come before them If my boyfriend loves me then he loves all of me my bad habbits my hobbies the silly things i spend money on... all of it. Its good you are going to counceling have someone who is unbiased to help sort through what is going on. Hopefully your upcoming show weekend will help to lift your spirits. Good luck at your show! It will all work out how it is suppose to in the end :)
ReplyDelete: ( So sorry to hear you got the ultimatum. I often struggle to understand why people don't see the enjoyment and love we get from our horses. Life is such a balance, that it becomes difficult to balance it all. I wish you the very best, and be strong. For you and for Steady, and for your daughter, who clearly loves the horses too.
ReplyDeleteI hope that the counselor can help the two of you negotiate something that works for both of you. I'm sorry that you're even being asked to make a choice like this.
ReplyDeleteOh Amy! I am so, so sorry. But, I must be blunt and say that this is a problem that goes much, much deeper than the horses. As others have said, this is not about the horses at all.
ReplyDeleteHe is not asking you to give up horses. He is asking you to change yourself at your very core. He is asking you to wipe out every aspect of your personality so that you can be the person he wants you to be. You can't do that. It isn't fair to you, and it it sure as hell isn't fair to your kids. They need a strong female role model so that they know how to act in their adult relationships.
I'm glad you're going to counseling. I hope it helps.
Agreeing with all the others that what he is asking/demanding, is very unreasonable, mean, etc. Hopefully the counseling will resolve things.
ReplyDeleteMy hubby and I watched the documentary on Buck Branaham (sp?) and I loved what he said about his wife with all of her dogs. "She loves them and I love her so I accept them." My husband's reluctant response was "yep!"
Wow. I just read this to my (non-horsey) husband and he said he could understand where he is coming from but he also said that giving an ultimatum is totally and utterly unreasonable! I'm glad you are going to see someone to help sort it out.
ReplyDeleteLike others have said, it's not fair on him to ask you to give them up entirely. It makes me a little mad to be honest.
That is like asking you to willingly amputate your limbs!
ReplyDeleteI really hope your problems are resolved...I'm sorry you and your children are having to go through this.
This will sound corny, but it's true: I'll be praying for you! This is about much more than the horses, I'm really glad you'll be seeing a counselor. Everything will turn out alright in the end, if it isn't alright, it isn't the end.
ReplyDeleteMy heart also dropped into the pit of my stomach, I as well have a non horsey partner, however selfish as this may seem horses really where always there and will aways be :'( I can't imagine the decision you may have to make, however counseling sounds like the perfect way for him to accept horses as part of who you are because horses is not a hobby it is part of us as a whole, who are we wo them? I wish you the best and everything happens for a reason keep your head up.
ReplyDeleteUgh, my heart is aching. That is an awful position to be in. I hope that counseling will get to the route of the issue, because the horses really are not it. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteMany hugs. I'm glad you guys are in counselling. I know this has been an issue before and I hope you can find some resolution.
ReplyDeleteThank you ALL for you responses. You have really helped me see this situation and what he is doing for what it is. You are very right that this situation is SO much deeper than 'horses' but unfortunately he refuses to look at it any other way. I do not know where we will go from here but I do know that like I said we will be working through it with help because this situation has become more than I can handle on my own. We have an appointment and I am anxiously awaiting it. He now says that I am the one making this a huge deal and that he just just said I had to get rid of the horses. You all obviously understand the severity of a demand like that where someone who does not have the depth of a relationship with a horse just sees it as rehoming a barn cat or something. I hope and pray that the counselor has wisdom to see this whole thing for what it is. Cossette I do not consider a prayer corney at all. I covet any and all prayers in this situation. God has the power to turn this into something good and I believe he will. So thank you for your prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Amy! I am married to a very non-horsey husband. We have had many problems over the horses in our 11 year marriage. We went to counseling and it has helped. My heart breaks for you because I have been there too. I am thinking of you and hope it all can work out well.
ReplyDeleteFirst time reader of your blog, and as a horsey wife with a non-horsey husband I can so understand the pull this takes on a marriage.
ReplyDeleteThrowing out a demand like that would be like holding a match at a gas station, and being surprised when it went kaboom. I hope the counselor can help you communicate and find the root cause of the tension. And also help you find a compromise that makes all involved feel validated and valued.
I did not grow up with horses, but our daughter has taken lessons since she was 11. So when we bough Pippi it was a drastic change in my routine, and quite frankly it caused some tension in the household. Hubby now has his own hobbies, and we spend about the same amount of time on them. I do try to cognizant of how much time I spend on horsie stuff, and more importantly how much I talk about it.
I will be reading the new posts now, and wish you all the best. Although new to your blog, as a mom and a wife I feel for you.
Oh my word, I am so sorry to read this. My thoughts and well wishes are with you and all who have posted are right -- it is not just you "making this a huge deal because he said you had to get rid of the horses" and I'm so glad you realize that. I hope the counseling helps him get clarity on what his real issues are, and helps you with the strength you need to do what you need to do.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has said pretty much everything that can be said, so I'll just pray for you and I hope the counseling helped!! Hang in there!
ReplyDelete