Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Blessing or a curse?

This love of mine.  As I read blogs and forums and well anything else I can get my eyes on, I realize more and more that I am not even close to alone in this lot of mine.  I just haven't decided yet if it is a blessing or a curse.  Of course it is a blessing.  I mean to get the chance to live my dream.  Ride again after those dreams were so far in my past I thought they just might stay there.  My dream of owning my very thoroughbred jumper became a reality this year.  As with any good thing comes work and sacrifice.  There is a sacrifice of time that I have had to make.  My family has had to sacrifice time with me also.  Then the monetary sacrifice, WOW, was I NOT prepared for this.  It is terrible and I should have known better but I guess I didn't put a whole lot of thought into how much money he would require.  I have had miniatures for years and they require little to no food other than grass to stay fat.  I guess I knew about how much horses eat but I didn't take into consideration that my horse just might be a bit more high maintenence than the average horse.  Obviously this was bad planning on my part but either way when it comes down to the bottom line it doesn't really matter.  Feed must be bought, lesson  payed for, chiropractor bills, vet bills and medicine bills.  Again the more I read the more I realize I am by far not alone in this, it seems to be what comes with the blessing of horse ownership.  See it is a blessing.  Either way what Steady adds to my life is irreplacable.

Just a couple weeks ago I came to the gut wrenching conclusion that we cannot afford to keep this dream alive.  It hurt, it hurt bad.  I cried and cried but it doesn't change the reality that if we cannot afford it then we cannot afford it.  I know that if these animals are under my care they will be cared for in a sufficeint manner.  So what they need they will get and when that interferes with properly handling my families money then the line is crossed and something must go.  I came to this sobering reality and made a decision as to what needed to happen.  The horses were to be taken to my parents house and we would have to ask them to care for the horses until I could find them a permanent solution.  I know my parents and when we are in need they will be willing to help us out.  This was incredibly painful but I knew it was in my families best interest.   So the decision was made and I would set out in the morning to my parents.  I went to Ryan and told him the dilema and my solution.  I have sadly up until this point not been open with him about our financial situation.  That was a major reason I knew there was a problem.  I do not agree with keeping anything from him and I knew in my heart I was doing just that so that I could ride this ride as long as I could...LOL literaly.  So I was open with him.  I laid it all out on the table and told him why I felt this was the only option at this point.  We talked for a while and he was not real happy when he found out how much it was costing us each month to have the horses.  He was kind of shocked and I think he would have rather not known.  I do not blame him I kept myself in denial as long as possible too.

After I was done giving all the gorey details he came back with this, "I think we should do whatever we have to do to make it through this month and next month I am getting a raise and we will be able to handle it a bit easier".  I explained that we don't have enough to make it through the month and he said even if we have to use credit...............errrrrrrr....that is the squealing of the brakes going on.  We do not use credit, not to make ends meet for sure.  Then for him to say that when it came to keeping these beasts that he has nothing to do with.  I mean it is rare that I have even seen him pet them on the head.  Let alone make sacrifices in order to keep them.  I tried to convince him that they needed to go.  I really tried.  Woah, have the tables turned.  Me telling him to get rid of the horses and him trying to convince me to keep them.  Really it felt like the twighlight zone.  After much effort on my part I came to the conclusion that nothing that I could say was going to convince him otherwise.

So I ask myself, why?  Why would he feel so strongly about keeping these animals?  There is no other reason than that he wants to make me happy.  He has seen first hand what having these horses do for me and it has changed his veiwpoint on these animals.  I read a saying the other day and cheesey as it may sound I can't help but feel this way.  "The greatest love strory in the world, is your own".

So my conclusion: is the love, passion, obsession  that I have with the equine species a blessing or a curse?  Both.  It offers the highest of highs.  On top of this powerful animal that to the untrained eye looks like a fun excursion but to those of  us that have truely known a horse.  It is a connection unlike any other between two beings that do not speak the same language yet hear each other with every movement, every emotion and every step.  You, on the good days, are insync, are one.  On the bads you are buddies embracing eachother with acceptance that we all have bad days.  Each ride good or bad is ended in the same place, head in your chest confiding your devotion to eachother.  That tomorrow you will be there with eagerness in my heart and a loving whinny when the back door opens.

Ryan has never known this friendship personally.  He has never experienced firsthand the connection between a horse and his human but just witnessing it secondhand has changed him.  That should tell you how powerful it is.  And to know that he will sacrifice so much not for his own benefit but for mine has changed me.  So either way horses or not I know I have this man on my side loving me through thick or thin and that means more than all the money in the world.  So I guess I can see in the end it is all a blessing.  This is what God means in Romans 8:28 For all things work together for good to them that love God; to them who are called according to His purpose.

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