Yesterday was a good day. My husband and I actually got along. A little bit of that weight on my heart was lifted so that I could actually be a little happy. I am not stupid enough to think our troubles are over but I thought maybe, just maybe I could go into this weekend with a little bit of hope that my life is not about to come unraveled. Well I think my husband saw that as a moment of opprotunity to squash any hope and send me back to that heavy and sad place I have been in since this all started. I am so sorry for all of you that would rather me not bring up this crap on my 'horse' blog but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place I am using for that. I will not go into details but contrary to what I had hoped, that he was angry and after some time would start to come around and we would be able to come to a comprimise and both be happy. He is still loud and clear and unreasonable about his demands and comprimise is not in the picture for him. The heavy weight and sadness is back and that was probably his goal since he knows I am about to go off and do something that makes me very happy and I am not allowed to be happy when he is so miserable. Now this my friends is NOT how love is described or protrayed in any of those fairy tales. It was not in the vows that I said at my wedding. I hate that this is how it really is.
He wants to be needed. He wants to be the only love in my life. He wants to be my whole life. And horses do NOT fit into that equation for him. That is my take from all of this but the way he is going about all of it has been so mean and hurtful that we have become enemies. I am doing everything I can to be nice and agreeable but to no avail.
My day was planned I was going to get packed for the show, squeeze in a ride, bathe Steady, get the house cleaned up and leave for the show. I have been looking forward to it, I have been excited about it and now I just want to curl up and stay in bed all day. I want to cry until I can't cry anymore. I want my life to be different, I want my reality to just be a bad dream. He has succeeded in bringing me down to this pit of misery he lives in and turning my love of life into stress and hurt. I think he is probably quite pleased by this too. I think that is actually his goal in all of this, if he can't be happy then neither can I.