Eventing-the most super coolest ever sport that is the most bank account draining thing you'll ever wish you were really good at but will always pretty much suck at.
That would be my personal definition of eventing. I love it. I try really hard at it. I am pretty crappy at it. I have a really cool horse that deals with my inability to ride.
After a lesson like I had on Wednesday I walk away with that feeling once again of, "why in the hell do I think I can actaully ride a horse, let alone event. And moving up? Ha! That'll never happen cause I suck far too much." I have walked this line many times since jumping feet first into this sport. The line between giving up and having a pity party. On Wednesday I brought up to LAZ Steady and I's arch nemisis a two stride combination. We have done them in the past. We can do them schooling but in a show it all falls apart. So we broke it down. It came down to I hold onto his face, I steer with my hands, I will not stop pulling my left rein and it all came tumbling down. We can't turn, we can't go straight I pretty much can't ride a horse. No matter how many times LAZ would tell me to put my hands in his neck and leave them their some other power would over take me and I physically could not stop myself. What the ? Why am I incapable of controling my own body? We warmed up, OK. Then we did a few jumps together. One of them being a two stride combo. It went worse than bad. I was riding like crap. Both of our confidence in this task has been shaken. He doesn't believe we can do it and I have my doubts also. He refuses the first. Well that is new. Next time around takes the first and refuses the second but does not run right like normal. Third time around he crashes through the first. Ahhhh! The frustration. I know this is not my horses issue. He does not do things like this. Lee Ann made it clear that this "was not Steady". I know that is not my horse. I am royally screwing up and cannot get my head right. I was so mad at myself. I am so disappointed in myself. I don't have a clue what happened to my riding. I know I have a problem with my hands, I hold him too much and I steer too much. I can't stop myself and I don't understand why.
It is so bad right now that I don't feel like riding my horse at all. I don't feel like I have any business on his back. I just feel completely incapable of getting on him and doing anything positive. I feel I have no business on the back of a horse of his ability because I am not a good enough rider. Bottom line I am just NOT.
Not your average OTTB given another chance at a new life and a mostly average busy Mom who never gave up on her dream to ride again. An unlikely pair at an unlikely time, learning to event and loving life!
Ok. You said it. You needed to say it. Self flagellation isn't healthy if it's sustained. Now get over it and get back on your horse.
ReplyDeleteYou can already verbalize what the issues are. You don't have access to a pro ride and lessons every week, but since you know what the problem is, address it.
You ride with your hands too much. So
throw on a neck strap. If Steady's ok with whips, put a dressage whip through your thumbs. Every ride for the next two weeks. FORCE YOURSELF to use your legs. Ride positively forward from your leg.
Steady isn't acting like himself. Snag a tube of ulcergard and give him a dose AM and PM for the next few days. He's been stressed.
Ride like a hunter--loop in the rein and going forward. Canter, turn, trot, little jumps. Get comfortable. Learn to trust each other again. You guys are awesome and you can do this.
Take the pressure off. Maybe you'll move up. Maybe you won't. Training will still be there next year.
I believe in you. You're a tough, git-er-done chick who balances an absurd amount of things with poise and good humor. Give yourself permission to be human. Also hang on to that neckstrap. It's a wild ride. ;)
I agree with SprinklerBandit you have a TON to deal with, give yourself permission to be human. I second trying a neck strap. Rolex riders wear them, so why can't us mortals use them to?
ReplyDeleteEverybody has bad lessons! Everyone has had a lesson where they walk away and think about taking up knitting. If we had nothing but good lessons we wouldn't need lessons anymore and our instructors would go hungry. I know first hand what it's like to be asked and told and yelled at to put my hands on the neck and just not be able to do it. Mental block. It's a trust and control issue, you don't trust Steady to go forward unless you steer him forward with your hands, and you don't want him to go TOO forward so you clutch. I'm there right now.
ReplyDeleteMake sure that Steady is feeling good first then take another lesson, did LAZ lower the fences for you? Maybe making it over with the second fence an Xrail would help your block?
SB nailed it! Listen to her! I'm sorry you feel bad right now, but I know you can do it! You are awesome and totally inspiring, so don't give up!
ReplyDeleteI am betting we all go thru times like these when we think we just will never get it right and we should just give up (been there!). I realize hearing that doesn't make it easier - but at least you have company.
ReplyDeleteAmy - you really do an amazing job with Steady and make a great team. You basically train on your own - along with everything else you have on your plate. Keep at it, take a deep breath, throw your arms around that handsome horse and know it will get better!