Eventing-the most super coolest ever sport that is the most bank account draining thing you'll ever wish you were really good at but will always pretty much suck at.
That would be my personal definition of eventing. I love it. I try really hard at it. I am pretty crappy at it. I have a really cool horse that deals with my inability to ride.
After a lesson like I had on Wednesday I walk away with that feeling once again of, "why in the hell do I think I can actaully ride a horse, let alone event. And moving up? Ha! That'll never happen cause I suck far too much." I have walked this line many times since jumping feet first into this sport. The line between giving up and having a pity party. On Wednesday I brought up to LAZ Steady and I's arch nemisis a two stride combination. We have done them in the past. We can do them schooling but in a show it all falls apart. So we broke it down. It came down to I hold onto his face, I steer with my hands, I will not stop pulling my left rein and it all came tumbling down. We can't turn, we can't go straight I pretty much can't ride a horse. No matter how many times LAZ would tell me to put my hands in his neck and leave them their some other power would over take me and I physically could not stop myself. What the ? Why am I incapable of controling my own body? We warmed up, OK. Then we did a few jumps together. One of them being a two stride combo. It went worse than bad. I was riding like crap. Both of our confidence in this task has been shaken. He doesn't believe we can do it and I have my doubts also. He refuses the first. Well that is new. Next time around takes the first and refuses the second but does not run right like normal. Third time around he crashes through the first. Ahhhh! The frustration. I know this is not my horses issue. He does not do things like this. Lee Ann made it clear that this "was not Steady". I know that is not my horse. I am royally screwing up and cannot get my head right. I was so mad at myself. I am so disappointed in myself. I don't have a clue what happened to my riding. I know I have a problem with my hands, I hold him too much and I steer too much. I can't stop myself and I don't understand why.
It is so bad right now that I don't feel like riding my horse at all. I don't feel like I have any business on his back. I just feel completely incapable of getting on him and doing anything positive. I feel I have no business on the back of a horse of his ability because I am not a good enough rider. Bottom line I am just NOT.