Not your average OTTB given another chance at a new life and a mostly average busy Mom who never gave up on her dream to ride again. An unlikely pair at an unlikely time, learning to event and loving life!
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Feeling like an ass
So my career path has been on hold for months now waiting on the State Medical Board of Ohio to issue me my license to massage. I don't do waiting, well. This means lack of income which means lack of bank to support any competitions to advance ridiculous adult, childlike dreams. I mean today my husband unknowingly and non-purposefully made me feel like a complete ass. I have been writing checks left and right for my silly little obsession lately. There is 150 bales of hay, an early farrier visit because Steady's feet were disintegrating, Rolex purchases, feed, lessons, kids Pony Club camp and let's not even mention that trailer. The amount of money is mind boggling. Since when did mine and my children's hobby become the black hole for my families finances. I have had this thought in the back of my mind lately. And while I was thinking silently how I needed to send in my 2 daughters final camp payment (totally $700) and our show entries of at least $150 if we only each did a CT. My husband tells me of his disappointment that he was out bid on ebay on the golf driver he has been wanting. And that he refuses to pay more than $100. At that moment I felt about an inch tall. I didn't say a word and he had no idea what was on my mind. This man provides us with every single thing we have ever asked for yet he cannot bring himself to buy a new driver for a whopping $300 and opts to search for a good deal on an older used driver. Golf is really the only thing he has any interest in doing as far as a hobby that could cost money goes. Yet he rarely actually does get out on a course and uses 15 year old clubs and a driver he absolutely hates. I have not a whole lot else to say other than I feel like a selfish asshole right now yet I don't know how to change it.
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You're not selfish, selfish would be never recognizing the sacrifices he makes. I'm married to a sweet guy like this too, I find I do have to self reign-in my expenses to avoid feeling terrible about what I spend on the horse. Maybe that new driver would be the perfect Father's Day gift on Sunday! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI definitely plan to get him the driver for father's day. Our financial situation is and has been a struggle to find a balance. It's tough in the sense that I have stayed at home with the kids for 10 years. Basically until all the kids went off to school. Then I went back to school to start a career for myself. It is "out" money. Always has been but in my mind it is a weird thing when it comes to gifts because I am essentially using his money to buy him a gift. I do hope that in the near future to change that but right now I feel like I'm in limbo.
DeleteI get that! With baby b coming in 8 weeks I know I'll struggle with this too. I want to stay home and hubs supports that 100% but yeah it'll be very odd not having my own income coming through. If it makes you feel any better, haha, for Father's Day I bought my hubs a pair of Sperry shoes from Nordstrom using money I got by returning two pairs of pants he got and never wore from there, tags still on, that I found while cleaning the closet out the other day, Lol!
DeleteHahaha hey that is being resourceful! It was a huge adjustment for the both of us to do the whole stay at home thing. I don't know where the pressure comes from but it is very real that you are only truly contributing if it is monetary. No one ever outwardly ever expressed that to me and really the pressure was coming from myself. And while my husband supported me %100 to stay home it still put so much pressure on him that he struggled for a long time not bringing it up. He knew what I was doing was invaluable but it still did not help with the real financial struggles we had. I would never give up the 11 years solely dedicated to raising my kids for anything, ever! It just does not come without it's unique set of struggles. Even now with them school age I will only work part time because being their Mom is my first priority and I want to be available. I figure I have them for 18 years I can spend the other 20+ years of my adult life making money.
DeleteMy father and mother are the exact same way. Mom gets around it but encouraging my father to buy himself things that he wants because he normally just bypasses them. Mom is in control of the finances and dad normally doesn't even look at them even though he is the one who provides the cash, so when she tells him that it is ok to buy something he wants, then he usually does.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I'm vehemently against spending another person's money and my SO has no intention of ever financing my hobby, so I make some serious budget cuts in order to afford my horse. But that's just me :)
Yeah we don't have "your" money "my" money. I have stayed at home with the kids for 10 years and though I don't bring in money we both agree I have every right to our finances as he does. Simply because I have contributed to the family in ways that make me an equal in our home. And if we are really splitting things up the kids activities even though horse related should not really be put on me expenses. Such as camp and their lessons. But reality is a work very hard to keep our horse keeping expenses thousands below the norm. But damn every once in a while the expense of it all becomes overwhelming. My goal when I am able to start working is to compltely finance the horse stuff. But when one puts their own career advancement on hold for a decade for the betterment of their family it takes time to start building back what they gave up.
Deletemy husband loves to golf as well. He also limits spending on items. we recognize that there are times when the horses cost a lot (like purchasing Carmen). it's not about the amount so much as it is about the equal opportunity. You will be working again and things will get better.
ReplyDeleteThank you Teresa for the encouragement and you are right. This too shall pass.
DeleteI think this is the plight of nearly every rider in a financially-sharing relationship. I bring home just less than the hubs but spend way more each month on board, supplements, hoof trimming, etc. He supports me but all the things he's interested in cost so much less.
ReplyDeleteI know he'd love to have a boat but we can't do a boat and a horse, so he doesn't have a boat.
AND he doesn't have student loans, which I do, and that makes me feel so bad too. It's entirely unfair to him that I cause so much financial burden on us. I struggle with this all the time.
And then yesterday I mentioned that I wanted to enter the Clayton Fredericks clinic (just outside Columbus) in August. A big part of me thinks "We can't take the money with us, we can afford it, why not make the most of the opportunities given?"
I think so long as I show him how much I appreciate him, his selflessness, and am eager to have him pursue opportunities as they arise, then he feels loved and appreciated.
I dunno. This post really hit me hard. Horses are expensive at even basic care and if we want to get better at riding, it costs more! It would break my heart to give up riding though.
Sarah it sounds like a very similar situation. I do agree. It doesn't make sense to me to have them if we aren't using them I.e. taking lessons hauling abs occasionally showing. It used to be easier we didn't have money. Now it is different and it is finding a new balance. We have the money but how much of it should go toward horse/hobby stuff. He does support me and does not do the math in his head the way that I do. He occasionally gets frustrated by the over all cost but is not tallying up who spends what. He really does enjoy providing us with our dreams which I guess I completely benefit from. But I would love to see the balance more equal even though he doesn't care. I guess I didn't take that into account that he has wanted a boat for years too and finally just got one. Thanks for your words. Some times it just helps to know you aren't alone.
DeleteI constantly enable hubs because yeah. He feels guilty spending $20 on himself while I go flinging money around at horse shows and tack sales and boarding and everything. There's obviously a balance here--I pay my own horse expenses and keep everything on a strict budget and all, but my life is definitely more extravagant than his.
ReplyDelete:( sometimes I feel like I live in assville. There's a lot of us here...
ReplyDeleteNo.at least you are self aware to catch it. That is something. Go with it.
Interestingly I identify more with your husband. It comes down to each person's individual relationship with money and spending. My husband will have no problem buying new things (which he does all the time and somewhat evens out the horse-habit expenses), whereas I buy used and older and el-cheapo 99% of the time. If you said your husband didn't buy the club because there isn't enough money in the household account, that's one thing, but it sounds like he just has a certain dollar-value he has placed on the club which is important to him. Meanwhile its normal for you to feel more acutely aware of horse costs as you're waiting to get the massage (ie, income) to become available.
ReplyDeleteI hate spending money!! With horses, it's kind of necessary though. I feel fortunate that my hubby is understanding and a total enabler. I do feel like a total ass when he wants to spend money on a computer game and my eyes bug out of my head at the price, but I'm trying to let that go and be more understanding. Also now that he has a horse and will be riding with me I've bit my lip and let him spend whatever he wants on supplies and tack for Rocky. It's hard because I try not to spend money (heck Chrome's bridle was free and I made his rope halter for a whopping $1), but I want to encourage him because I want a riding buddy dang it lol. It will be okay. You can get him the driver as a gift when you have the money and don't feel bad that it's his money. It's the thought that counts and you'll be back to contributing financially soon. That's one thing that has helped a lot with me is being back at work and bringing in money. I don't make as much as he does, but it's enough that I feel less guilty for spending money on my horse. :)
ReplyDelete