The end of a dream that is. I don't know if it is really the end or whether it is just a temporary break from it. It is beyond painful to even put this in writing because it makes it all the more real. It is not that I didn't see it coming because I did. I just saw it faintly from a distance for so long but even a freight train looks small if you are far enough away from it. I don't know that I can even acturately describe the situation because it is years and years of choices and differences that have led me to this moment. So I will not start at the begining. But I will give a little background. My husband and I come from completely different backgrounds. On almost every single level. When you are young and in love all of those differences seem to just fade to the background. But when you attempt to live your lives together for the rest of your lives it has a way of bringing every last difference to the surface.
I know my husband in his heart would love to provide me with my every hearts desire but life has a way of making dreams some how seemingly unattainable. My dream? Owning a horse. A thoroughbred in particular. A jumper to be exact. I dreamed. Literally had dreams. Dreams that when I woke up and realized it wasn't reality a dissappointment set in. Every horse person knows that passion that is untamable. Every horse person gets it but every non horse person doesn't. That is where my problem lies. My husband is not a horse person. Not only is he not a horse person he actually doesn't even like any animals. I know many people can relate to their spouse not being a horse person but usually that spouse at least enjoys the animal. Not mine. I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever seen my husband ever reach out a hand to EVER pet one of my animals in the 12 years we have known each other and out of those 12 years I have always had animals.
So I cannot blame him for his distain and resentment toward all of my animals and their expenses. The #1 reason is I do not have a job and provide 0 income to our home so he is solely responsible for all financial responsiblity concerning my animals. So I consider it very kind of him to even had put up with it for as long as he has. Well today the frieght train finally made it here and it hit me at 100 mph. The dream is over. Enough is enough. The peace that I have lost in my home over these years over these dreams of mine are now more then my heart can bear. It is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but I have concluded that it is at this point my only option.
Steady will officially be on the market as of tomorrow along with Moonlight. I have not decided yet where we go from here. I mean the ONLY reason we moved to the country is to work toward having horses and now that it is not a possiblity I see no reason to torcher myself by having the barn and pasture to look at everyday of my life standing empty right along with my heart. I think that might be more than I can handle. So with tears streaming down my face I am putting it out there and please please please pray my heart can heal from all of this because right now I cannot see how that will happen.