Monday, June 20, 2011

What am I chasing here? Really?

God it has not been my year.  I have hope things will turn around but right here right now just plain sucks!  Questions keep popping in my mind.  Why did I get into this again?  What am I trying to accomplish?  Where am I going with all of this?  And the big one!  Am I really happy?  To the last question sadly I have to answer whole heartedly NO.  I started this horse thing again because I have a love for it deep down inside of me.  But it seems since this love has become a reality somewhere my happiness has just sort of faded.  Replaced by, stress, discontentment, sadness, and conflict.  I cannot say what this all means I am just writing out what I am feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I am only so pushed to event because I want to belong and be accepted, to accomplish something outside of raising children, something for me.  I find myself trying so hard to get in with the "crowd".  I try so hard to be better to push farther, for what?  For who?  Is it for me? Or is it just to gain respect or recognition?  All of this interwined with my horse.  A horse that sometimes I honestly hate and others I stand in awe of him and our bond.  Though it seems a long time since there has been a positive moment. 

If you cannot tell I am extremely down and though all of these things go through my head it was brought to the surface today by a specific event.  One I don't really care to elaborate extensively on, I just don't have the energy left.  But in short in taking Steady to the chiro today he went ape shit crazy in the trailer.  Bashed the fuck out of his face.  He is bloody, sore, swollen on his eye, lip, check, jaw, ear and nose and one gash on his hip.  I thought of taking photos but don't really feel up to it and now they are all covered in corona oinment so he resembles more of a native american in war paint.  I am exhausted from the trauma, stress and bawling.  I feel bad for him on one hand but on the other am totally pissed at him.  My emotions are all over the place and am thinking the injections did not help with his lameness.  My husband is perpetually pissed at my efforts of trying to help Steady.  And I take off on an airplane in two days and have no one to care for Steady's wounds.  I think I have finally met my  limit.  Oh and to top it all off I have no bute and I know he is in pain.  Ok I have said enough cause the tears are starting to come again and I don't even have the energy to cry anymore.


  1. Yikes, Amy. It's easy to understand how you are feeling. All I can say is just ride the feelings out. They are real, conflicted and exhausting. Your emotions are speaking, and they have a right to, but they also can't decide for you. I know it gets old hearing it, but breathing on it for a day or two always helps. I'm so sorry to hear about all of this.

  2. Thankfully, you're getting on an airplane in two days. Steady will survive without you and you'll have some time to sort through all these emotions. Relax. Recharge. Regenerate.

    I'm sorry things are tough right now. :-(

  3. Wow, it sounds like you had the worst day ever.

    Has the reality of horses really faded your happiness, or is your non-horse life stresses making your horse stress seem like a bigger deal? I could not ride while I was studying for the bar - if any minor thing went wrong I would feel like it was the end of the world. It didn't actually have anything to do with my horses, they were just being horses. But I took it personally during that time because of everything else happening in my life.

    You can handle this.

    (Your husband's negativity is not helping. I'm currently dealing with my long term bf becoming more and more resentful of my horse and its really, really tough.)

  4. I remember in a previous post you talked about how the horses were stressing you out financially and taking a toll on your marriage. You were deciding whether to keep the horses or let them all go. I have a question for you. Would you consider only keeping Steady and one other as a companion and selling off the minis and the goats? It may be less stressful if you don't have a mini farm, just one horse and one pony. I know you said you wouldn't want to do that to your girls, but I think as adults sometimes we have to be a little bit selfish to stay sane. Our kids will respect our determination, drive and achievements and we set an example of the kind of women who go after what we want, setting goals and achieving them. If your dream is to event, maybe you could get rid of all the "extra" animals and focus on Steady. It would ease the financial burden as well. I'm just thinking of a way you could continue to pursue eventing without driving yourself and your husband crazy! Hopefully I haven't overstepped my bounds!

  5. I'm so sorry that happened! That's my worst fear every time I put my horse in a trailer. I get almost panicked about it sometimes. I've never had a horse seriously injured in a trailer, but it's still one of my big fears so I can't begin to imagine what you're feeling right now. I'm so sorry. I hope Steady is okay and heals up quickly. You will both be in my thoughts and prayers.

    I know you're just venting and I really wish there was some way I could help, but it's really a decision only you can make. I know my horses stress me out beyond belief sometimes, but all I have to do is remember how miserable I was those two years without a horse and I know I couldn't live without them. I hope things get better soon.


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