God it has not been my year. I have hope things will turn around but right here right now just plain sucks! Questions keep popping in my mind. Why did I get into this again? What am I trying to accomplish? Where am I going with all of this? And the big one! Am I really happy? To the last question sadly I have to answer whole heartedly NO. I started this horse thing again because I have a love for it deep down inside of me. But it seems since this love has become a reality somewhere my happiness has just sort of faded. Replaced by, stress, discontentment, sadness, and conflict. I cannot say what this all means I am just writing out what I am feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I am only so pushed to event because I want to belong and be accepted, to accomplish something outside of raising children, something for me. I find myself trying so hard to get in with the "crowd". I try so hard to be better to push farther, for what? For who? Is it for me? Or is it just to gain respect or recognition? All of this interwined with my horse. A horse that sometimes I honestly hate and others I stand in awe of him and our bond. Though it seems a long time since there has been a positive moment.
If you cannot tell I am extremely down and though all of these things go through my head it was brought to the surface today by a specific event. One I don't really care to elaborate extensively on, I just don't have the energy left. But in short in taking Steady to the chiro today he went ape shit crazy in the trailer. Bashed the fuck out of his face. He is bloody, sore, swollen on his eye, lip, check, jaw, ear and nose and one gash on his hip. I thought of taking photos but don't really feel up to it and now they are all covered in corona oinment so he resembles more of a native american in war paint. I am exhausted from the trauma, stress and bawling. I feel bad for him on one hand but on the other am totally pissed at him. My emotions are all over the place and am thinking the injections did not help with his lameness. My husband is perpetually pissed at my efforts of trying to help Steady. And I take off on an airplane in two days and have no one to care for Steady's wounds. I think I have finally met my limit. Oh and to top it all off I have no bute and I know he is in pain. Ok I have said enough cause the tears are starting to come again and I don't even have the energy to cry anymore.